just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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