I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
