i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
