my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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