What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
