I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
