I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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