My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
