Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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