I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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