once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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