I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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