Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
