I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize