i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
