I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
