i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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