He disabled his match.com account in front of me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
