i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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