just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
