My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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