I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
