I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
