If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
