I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
