Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I supernannyed him into submission
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
