You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
