dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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