cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
