wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
