We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
