Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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