eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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