So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Semen is not good for contacts.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
