I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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