I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
