Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
