Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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