nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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