Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
