He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
