my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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