Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
