I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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