Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
