I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
