Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh god it's open bar.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
