talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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