Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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