dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
worst night to have a conscience
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
