So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
