i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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