This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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