is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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