I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I will be naked everywhere
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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