you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
