first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
