I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
