I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
