hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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