Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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