dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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