Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
