literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
